#45: Rock Bottom

(c) Disney

Home on the Range, 2004
watched July 29, 2012

Well friends. We've arrived. This is what it feels like. Rock bottom is pretty painful. I pray that you never have to feel this pain.

(Helpful Tip: Never watch Home on the Range. Ever.)

Want to know how to create the worst Disney movie of all time? Here are five tips from those who successfully achieved this feat:

1) Feature a really annoying main character.
Disney's first mistake was to cast Roseanne as Maggie, the cow. I wonder if they sat around thinking, "Hey, whose voice would be most annoying to listen to for 74 minutes? Oh, I know, the woman infamous for singing the national anthem in that crass, nasally voice of hers. Perfect. Let's get her."

2) Surround said main character with even more annoying supporting characters. 
Nearly all of the other characters are equally as whiny, stupid, and un-funny, possibly with the exception of Grace, one of the two sidekick cows. I about died when the villain, Alameda Slim, begins yodeling, and there's a sort of "Pink Elephants On Parade" thing going on, except with cows. And not died in the "I'm so excited I can't contain myself" kind of way. The other kind of dying. I want those five minutes of my life back, Disney!!

3) Tell a ridiculously stupid, boring story that no one cares about.
Okay, so confession time: the DVD was slightly warped and we had to skip through about the first 20 minutes of the movie. Given my obvious feelings about this movie, I was not too upset about this. But even without the beginning, one should still be able to engage with the remainder of the film. There was absolutely nothing that pulled me into the story. I kind of just cringed whenever anyone said something and someone else said something back. So, basically the whole time.

4) Don't spend any time making it look good. Just get it done.
Without knowing much about the film's production history, it's pretty clear that Disney spent significantly less time working on Range. It looks like a five year old could have drawn it. (Sorry to the five year olds that I know! I am pretty sure you all could do way better than this, actually.) At least with other dislikable movies such as Pocahontas, there is still some artistry worth observing and appreciating. Nothing to see here folks. Just a bunch of cows and a fat red-headed cowboy villain.

5) Include as many crappy songs as you can. 
Seriously. At the moment the first song begins, I was pretty much ready to throw in the towel. But unfortunately I still had another hour to watch. It's incredible that the same man who is responsible for A Whole New World, I See the Light, and dozens of other classics also has (You Ain't) Home on the Range and Yodel-Adle-Eedle-Idle-Oo on his resume. Hopefully they're way down at the bottom where no one will ever remember to check.

There you have it folks! A recipe for instant success. At failure.

I'm kind of ashamed that this movie is counted in Disney's animated canon. How can this be included in the same list as The Lion King, Cinderella and Tangled? It makes absolutely no sense.

Perhaps you're asking: But Laura, you always manage to find something good in every Disney movie! What about this one?

Here's the good news about Home on the Range: I will never have to watch it again.